When Parents Hurt

I looked at the email from ParentBloggers asking if I was interested in reviewing this book and thought, "Well, I'll sign up for this and maybe it'll be kind of interesting."

Interesting indeed.

As I've written on my main blog off and on for the last year, my family has a pretty strained relationship with my oldest brother Paul. There wasn't a culminating, tragic event - but a series of small incidents that all added up into an odd kind of estrangement with him. Finally, things came to a head recently after a family gathering which was ironically right around the time that I received the book in the mail. I dug right in.

When Parents Hurt by Dr. Joshua Coleman is based on personal experience. After experiencing a painful estrangement from his own daughter, he felt compelled to write a book to help parents cope with these situations. As he notes, there are no manuals to deal with the complex relationships between parents and their adult children, and he offers advice to parents to help them "get back on their feet" again after estrangements occur.

Dr. Coleman pointed out a few things that really hit the nail on the head with our family's situation. First of all, he discusses how siblings within a family can have a completely unique perspective of their parents and childhood. In our family, my dad is the warm and fuzzy type to three of us - always the great, loving father ready with a hug and a kind word. To my brother Paul, however, my father is nothing short than his own personal version of the father in The Great Santini. And see, I totally don't get that at all and neither do my other siblings. It doesn't mean, however, that my brother's viewpoint is invalid - it's his viewpoint and is unique based on his perception of their relationship.

Coleman also brings home the point that sometimes parents can be as loving, giving, and nurturing as possible to their children and the relationship still doesn't work. He encourages parents to not only have compassion toward their children and their pain, but also compassion for themselves - a wonderful concept in an age where society has turned so many people into self-flogging parents who second-guess every move they make in raising their children. He does a great job exploring the societal changes in childrearing over the years and how it affects our relationships with our grown children in this day and age.

The book offers a very good chapter titled "Where Did this Kid Come From?" which explores what Coleman calls "mismatches" between parent and child. For example, he gives advice on relationships between an authoritative parent and a sensitive child, or a depressed parent raising a very active child. I hadn't given much thought to the idea of being mismatched, but the explanations and tips he gives for these situations are well thought out and listed as "Strive to avoid" and "Strive to".

I could go on and on about this book, because I believe it's not only a must-read for people in strained relationships with either their own parents or with their grown children, but also for people raising children who would like to avoid the pitfalls that come later on when the kids are grown. I even found myself quoting from the book this week when discussing a friend's marriage troubles with her, because I believe that a lot of the principles that he discusses are good for all adult relationships - not just parent/child ones. Dr. Coleman does an excellent job delving into this topic with a candor and sensitivity that is a rare find in this genre of book.

When Parents Hurt is available on Amazon. And be sure to check out the podcast with Motherhood Uncensored's own Kristin as she discusses the book with Dr. Coleman...as usual, Kristin does a great job!